phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
