woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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