You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
