We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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