I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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