sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
