Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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