im six kinds of drunk right now
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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