my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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