I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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