Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
