Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
