Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
