you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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