I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
that's an acceptable place to lick
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
