her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
