it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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