I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
