That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
