Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Randomize
