the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
