every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I party with great urgency now.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
