He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
