My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
