Betty ford says i'm here all night
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
