dude i'm inner monologue high
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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