she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
