he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
