I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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