I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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