I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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