I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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