1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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