I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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