Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
