Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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