genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
