Just cropdusted the office
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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