If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
