Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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