it hurts more in the daytime
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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