Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
