Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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