we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
