the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
