All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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