Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
