You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
