I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
