whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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