my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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